Don't Let Me Fall
by Allyson Rae
Summary: When tragedy befalls Kate, will anyone be there to save her? Rated for language and subject matter. Tate...eventually.
1. Chapter 1

Don't Let Me Fall

By: Ally-Rae

Summary: When tragedy befalls Kate, will anyone be there to save her. Rated for language and subject matter. Tate.

Disclaimer: NCIS doesn't belong to me.

A/N: This story deals with the subjects of rape, self-harm and depression. If you are uncomfortable with any of these subjects, please do not read this story.

* * *

She remembered the night. The dark, the cool breeze that rustled the leaves on the trees. She walked through the park, on her way home from the coffee shop. She thought she was safe. But then she felt the hands. Those strong, callused hands that held her down. His breath that smelled like chewing tobacco and alcohol. She couldn't see his face, but she felt the stubble on his chin as he rubbed it against her neck. But she remebered those eyes, those piercing brown eyes that bore into her like a rusty nail. He smelled like smoke, like a bar. She tried to fight. She tried to scream, but he muffled her cries. She felt the grass against her arms, as they lay pinned at her sides. He held her there, as he unzipped his pants and hiked up her skirt. She cried, hot tears pouring down her face as she begged him not to. But he was relentless. He left her there, as he stumbled away in a drunken stupor. She lay there for only a moment, before running. She ran home, as fast as she could. All she wanted was a shower. But in her mind she knew that she had to report the crime. She got her car, and drove to a hospital, even though she didn't want to. She wiped her tears and entered the emergency room. She felt so dirty. The receptionist at the desk looked concerned as she asked for her name.

"Caitlin Todd."

The report had been written up, the tests and the samples had been taken, and she was finally free to go home. She entered through her front door, and immediately locked it behind her. She removed her clothes and jumped into the hot, steaming shower. She scrubbed furiously, trying to rid herself of her feeling of dirtyness. She scrubbed so hard, turning her skin a bright red, before collapsing to the shower floor in uncontrolable sobs.

When the shower urned cold, Kate picked herself up off the floor and made her way to her bedroom. She slid into some warm pajamas and climbed into bed. She wrapped her arms around her pillow and drifted off into an uncomfortable and nightmare-filled sleep.

* * *

The next morning, she got up out of bed and began getting ready for work. She still felt so dirty, but didn't want to cause any suspicion, so she decided to go to work anyway. She drove to work, tears filling her eyes as she drove past the park, and the hospital. When she reached her destination, she took a moment to compose herself and wipe the tears from her eyes. She then painted on her best smile, and headed into the office.

"Good morning Kate." Tony said cheerfully as she entered the bullpen.

"Morning Tony." she mumbled as she sat down at her desk and began working on the pile of paperwork that was sitting there. Tony looked confused for a moment before continuing with his work.

When Gibbs entered he bullpen, he greeted Tony with a gruff "DiNozzo." He then walked to Kate's desk. "Good Morning Kate." He laid a hand on her shoulder. Kate immediately flinched and pulled away from his touch. Gibbs was concerned, but he didn't voice that he was. Throughout the day, whenever Tony or Gibbs tried to talk to her, she would mumble a quick reply and duck back into her paperwork. If they tried to touch her, she flinched and pulled away quickly. They would then share a look of concern.

It was a slow day, with no new cases until late in the afternoon. A Petty Officer, found dead in a park in Norfolk, raped and murdered. When Gibbs told the team, Kate immediately stood and ran for the bathroom, tears filling her eyes and her stomach turning. She threw up. When she returned from the bathroom, she requested the rest of the day off. Gibbs granted her request and she left.

"Boss?" Tony turned to Gibbs. "Do you think she's OK?" Tony was concerned.

"I'm not sure Tony...I'm just not sure." Gibbs stood, lost in thought for a moment before grabbing his badge, keys and gun. "Let's go DiNozzo."

"Yes boss." Tony did the same, stopping only for a moment to stare at Kate's empty desk.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews...this may be teh last update for awhile...look at my bio in my profile for more info...(sigh) All mistakes are mine...I'm too stubborn and independent to get a beta lol...

* * *

Kate slamed the door, as she entered her home. She kicked off her heels and the tears started to fall. She tried so hard to pull herself together, but she just couldn't hold it in any longer. Her eyes clouded with tears, she fumbled her way to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. It was time to stop the pain. She took her razor from off the bathroom sink and stared at it for a moment. She knew it was wrong, but she just wanted the pain to stop, or at least be subdued. She drew the blade across her pale skin, and watched as the skin flushed, before pooling with deep red blood. She rested her back against the door and slid to the floor, tears still falling. She remembered a time much like this one. 

_Flashback:_

_Kate shut her bedroom door as she listened to her parents scream. She listened as they called each other nasty names, and she heard her mother's cries from down the stairs. Kate cried as she heard the front door slam and her mother crying in the living room. Kate took the pair of scissors from her desk and carefully pushed up the sleeve of her sweatshirt. It started with a small cut on her forearm one night, after an especially hard breakup. Now it had become a ritual for the normally strong girl. She was only 13. She watched as the blood dripped to the floor. She carefully held the tissue to the cut until it stopped bleeding. It was just another night in the life of Caitlin Todd._

_End Flashback_

It had been so long since the last time she had done this...she had worked so hard to stop when she was 15. And now, she was afraid of falling back into that pattern. But for now, all those thoughts were pushed to the back of her mind. All she cared about was the pain. It had to end. Carefully, Kate held a towel to the cut, and waited for the blood to stop. She then took a sleeping pill, and climbed into her bed to cry herself to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Kate called into work. She wasn't ready to face Gibbs or Tony after yesterday's display. She took a long, hot shower, and dressed in a pair of grey sweatshorts and long-sleeved t-shirt, not to hide the scars from anyone but herself. She then tried to busy herself, by cleaning out her closet and doing other household chores. She pushed all the thoughts from her mind, but deep inside, they still remained. She was trying to forget, but she was immediately reminded everytime she bumped her arm. She felt so ashamed of herself...but somehow, she did it again. Only a small cut, but a cut nonetheless. She hated herself so much. She didn't ever want to be this weak again, but here she was, being that girl that she never wanted to be again.

* * *

Tony was worried. When he heard that Kate had called into work, he was genuinely concerned. After her breakdown teh day before, he was afraid that something was seriously wrong. He tried to put it out of his mind, but that uncomfortable feeling kept coming back. 

"Boss?"

"Yeah DiNozzo?" Gibbs looked up from his desk.

"I'm gonna head to Kate's. I want to check up on her."

"Tony, she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself." Gibbs was telling himself that more than he was telling Tony.

"I know she is boss, but something...something just doesn't feel right." He waited, silently pleading with Gibbs to let him go. Gibbs thought for a moment, and because he was just as worried as Tony he finally gave in.

"Alright DiNozzo. But you had better call." Tony nodded as he grabbed his coat. He realized that Gibbs was worried too. He would have thought it was sweet if he hadn't been so worried himself.

"I will." Tony made his way to the elevator, his eyes meeting Gibbs' equally concerned ones just before the doors closed.

* * *

A/N: This chapter was especially hard for me to write. I am very familiar with the subject matter in this chapter, seeing as I am a recovering cutter myself. I've been clean for 10 weeks and I'm hoping to continue my progress. Please keep me in your prayers because I need all the help I can get. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I read all of your wonderful and caring reviews and found myself writing again. I would like to take the time now to thank you all for your concern and care for me. It means a lot to me that you all would take the time to read my story, and then review. A lot of people in my life have let me down, and it means a lot to know that there are total strangers out there who care. I'll leave another author's note at the bottom if you care to read some more about my life right now...but now...onto the story. A bit of TATE-ness, but considering the storyline, it won't be too much just yet.

* * *

Tony drove through the rain that fell onto the streets as he made his way to Kate's apartment. He was worried. She just didn't seem like...Kate. She wasn't the Kate that would joke around with him at work. She wasn't the Kate that would laugh at him because he couldn't use chopsticks. She just wasn't the Kate that he...that he had fallen for. He shook those thoughts from his mind as he pulled up to her apartment. He looked up to her window, and saw that there was a soft glow, but no real light. He ran from the safety of his car, through the rain, and let himself in with the emergency key that she had given him. This was it.

* * *

Kate sat alone, in the darkness of her apartment. She wiped the tears from her face and lay down on her couch. She tried to push all the thoughts from her mind, but the flashes of memory kept returning. All the memories...the smell of his breath, the feel of his hands...the look in his eyes. She shook with fear when she heard a knock on the door. She had just goten off the phone with the investigating officer, so she was sure it wasn't the cops. She carefully shuffled to her door, barefeet against the cold floor. She looked through the peephole, careful not to make any noise. She sighed in relief to see it was Tony.

"Kate?" Tony called from outside the door.

"Tony...I just want...I don't feel good Tony. Please just go away." Kate rested against the door.

"Kate, look." Tony sighed. "I know that something is up with you, and I'm...I'm worried about you Kate. Please...let me in. I want to help. I...I care about you, because you are my friend, and I want you to trust me. Please Kate?" Kate's eyes filled with tears as she listened to his words. She turned to look out the peephole again. Tony was leaning on the wall beside the door with his elbow, his head resting on his hand. He was tired, she could tell. She slowly unlocked the door, and opened it to reveal herself, wrapped in a fluffy cotton robe. Tony could see that her eyes were red-rimmed from crying. She moved to let him in, and shut and locked the door behind him. He sat down on the couch, after removing his wet coat and shoes. Kate sat down on the opposite end of the couch, trying to look comfortable and happy, when all she felt was scared and upset.

"Kate? Are you...OK?" Tony asked.

"Yeah...yeah Tony...just a little upset stomach." Kate avoided eye contact with him. He slowly reached out to touch her hand, and she quickly pulled away. The sleeve of her robe slid up slightly, revealing two red lines across the backside of her forearm.

"Kate?" Tony questioned. She followed his line of sight to her arm, quickly covering up the marks. "What's going on?"

Kate looked into his eyes, and upon seeing the concern there, she broke down. Her eyes filled with tears, and she began to speak.

She told him everything. About that night, her fear, her pain, and the cutting. She opened herself up to him, slowly at first, reluctantly. But as she spoke, she began to trust him.

"Oh Kate." Tony's eyes began to fill with tears as well. He drew in a shaky breath. "Kate, I...I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Just know that I'm here for you." He held out his hand and looked at Kate. She looked from his face to his hand, and reached out slowly to lace her fingers with his. And in that moment, when he squeezed her hand, she felt herself trust him entirely. It was Tony, her co-worker, and her friend. She moved closer to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. He carefully wrapped his arms around her waist, not to scare her, but to reassure her that he was her friend, and that she could trust him. He rocked her gently, soothing her tears, until he felt her relax. She was asleep. He gently lifted her up, and carried her into the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed and covered her up with the blanket. He brushed her hair from her eyes and gently kissed her forehead. And for the first time that night, a hint of a smile crossed her pained features. "Goodnight Kate." He whispered. He made his way to her living room, and sat down on her couch. He didn't want her to be alone. He sat there for hours, until the stress and the worry of the finally affected him, and he fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: Awww...ok...so there was some definite fluff there. Yep...I know...but these next few chapters are going to be her dealing with the pain, and dealing with the conflicting feelings for Tony.

OK, for those of you who are wondering, I am going through a rough time in my life. Conflict between my mother and her parents, who are currently living with us, is making my life quite stressful. Combine that with all teenage angsty problems; school, boys, friends and family, and you have got yourself a problem. I don't know what it was exactly that made me start cutting, but I know that it was faith in God, and the strength that my mother showed, as well as the support of my closest friends that gave me the courage to stop cutting. Thank you all for caring. And thank you all for reading and reviewing my story:)

Love You Guys:)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Again...thank you all for your kind reviews. It really means a lot to know that people care.

* * *

As the morning sun shown through the bedroom window, Kate's eyes opened slowly. She stretched and rubbed her eyes. She then reluctantly rolled out of bed and made her way into the kitchen. As she entered the living room, she noticed a lump of...something on her couch. She walked over to investigate. There was Tony, sound asleep on her couch. He let out a small snore, which sent Kate into a fit of giggles. She then turned somber when she realized why he was here. He was worried about her. He didn't want her to be alone. This was his way of showing that he cared. Kate blinked back the tears as she went to start a pot of coffee. A few minutes later, she returned to the living room, and kneeled beside the couch. She gently shook Tony's shoulder and ruffled his hair. Tony's eyes began to open.

"Good morning sleepyhead." Kate whispered.

"Morning." Tony replied sleepily. He sat up on the couch and looked at Kate. She sat down beside him.

"I put some coffee on." She looked back at Tony. "It will be ready in a few minutes."

Tony took her hand. "I'm sorry if I imposed by staying here. I just...I just wanted to make sure you were OK." Kate squeezed his hand.

"It's fine Tony. In fact, I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me that you would even come here in the first place."

"I was worried. We all were. You know, even Gibbs seemed worried. You could see it in his eyes." Tony looked at her and Kate sighed.

"I know...I just...I'm not ready to talk about it. Can you...can you just not say anything until I'm ready?"

"Of course Kate. You know I will. And just so you know, when you're ready, I'll be there with you if you want me to be." He smiled softly.

Kate looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Thank you Tony." she whispered, before wrapping her arms around him.

They broke the hug and Tony stood, pulling Kate up with him. They made their way into the kitchen, where a ready pot of coffee was waiting. She poured two cups and handed one to Tony. "Hungry?" she asked.

"Yeah, a little." Tony sipped his coffee.

"I've got eggs." Kate cracked a smile.

"Eggs are good, I like eggs." Kate grabbed some eggs and a pan. She and Tony began to prepare the fine culinary experience that is scrambled eggs and toast. They cracked jokes and cracked eggs and For the first time since the rape, Kate finally felt happy. Really, truely happy.

When they sat down to eat the eggs, Kate found herself looking across the table at Tony. He looked up from his plate. "What?"

"Nothing tony...nothing at all." Tony reached across the table to take her hand and he squeezed it gently. Kate returned the smile that he gave. She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.

Maybe everything really _would_ be alright.

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's so short...grin Who saw the JAG preview on Friday? I DID! OMG...I squealed lol...I can't wait...but at the same time...I am so sad that its ending. That's all for now. 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks for being patient...I apologize for the wait...issues...read below if ya'll care lol... Now on to the story.

* * *

When Kate returned to work the next morning, Gibbs kept sending Kate curious, concerned glances. She just shrugged them off, or pretended she didn't notice. Gibbs sighed. He'd never get through. She seemed to be open with Tony...or at least more open than with him. Around lunch, Gibbs pulled Tony aside. 

"Tony...what's up with Kate?"

Tony swallowed. "Boss. It's not my place to say. She'll tell you when she's ready."

Gibbs looked at him. "Tony..."

"Boss! I promised I wouldn't say a word. She doesn't want anyone to know. I'm surprised she even opened up to me. Give it time."

Gibbs sighed. "Fine DiNozzo. Fine." Gibbs stalked off, and Tony turned around. Kate was looking at him from her desk across the bullpen. He shook his head, and relief passed across her face. He approached her. "Come on, let's go get lunch. We need to eat."

Kate stood. "Alright." she spoke in a quiet voice.

When they returned from lunch, Kate returned to working furiously, avoiding any and all contact with anyone but Tony. Finally, Gibbs pulled her aside. "Kate." he spoke in a low, hushed tone. "What is going on with you?" His eyes spoke of concern.

"I...um...I'm just going through some personal things right now, and I'd prefer to not talk about them."

"Kate, you can't keep this a secret any longer. You just can't. It's affecting the workplace." He took a step forward, toward her. She backed up. He continued approaching her, reaching out tograb her shoulder. She continued backing up, running into a wall.

"No...just stay away from me...no...stop it...NO!" Kate yelled as she pushed past him and fled toward the bathroom. Gibbs stood, shocked and confused at her behavior. The commotion had caught the attention of Tony, as well as many other agents. He watched at Kate ran. He stood up.

"There's nothing to see here folks. Back to work." He said in an aggrivated tone. The agents dispersed. He approached Gibbs. If looks could kill, Gibbs would be a dead man. "I TOLD you to give it time Gibbs. I know you are the boss, but this time, you should have listened to ME!" Tony pushed past him as well, approaching the ladies' room. He knocked. "Kate?" he called. When he recieved no answer, he went in. He could hear her sniffling inside one of the stalls. "Kate?" he tried again.

"No...just go away." she cried.

"Come on Kate, if you don't either let me in, or come out, I'll just have to crawl under the door." he heard a sad giggle, before the stall door unlocked and a teary-eyed Kate emerged.

"Oh Katie." For once she let the hated nickname slip. He slowly held his arms out to her, and she pressed herself against his chest as ragged sobs raged her body. "Ssh...it's all gonna be okay." he held her close and stroked her hair until the sobs subsided.

He guided her over to the counter and lifted her up onto it. He wiped away her tears. "Oh Tony...I didn't mean to go crazy like that. i just...I had a flashback, and I got scared. Gibbs will fire me for sure now. I've made a mess of everything."

"No Kate...you did nothing wrong. Gibbs is concerned, sure. But he shouldn't have approached the situation like that. And I think he gets that now." Tony grinned a bit. "Don't worry. Although I do think you should tell him, you don't have to just yet. You'll tell him when you are good and ready." Kate hugged him.

"Thank you Tony. I...I think he has a right to know, since it's affecting my work. But...do you think you can come with me?" She looked him in the eye.

He squeezed her hand. "Of course I will." Tony rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. He pulled her down off the counter and wrapped his arm around her waist. "You ready?"

"Yeah." She smiled sadly. "Yeah I am."

They exited the bathroom and headed toward one of the interrogation rooms. They met Gibbs in the hallway. Tony met his eyes.

"Gibbs, follow us. We need to talk."

Gibbs' eyes became puzzled and he followed, wondering what exactly it was that he was about to find out.

* * *

A/N: Thanks again for being so patient with me. A lot of things have happened the past couple weeks. One of my best friends betrayed me...again...just after she had regained my trust. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again. She totally screwed with my head and made a mess of our friendship, as well as relationships between her and a lot of her friends. She really screwed up my life, and I ended up losing people I cared about as well. I almost had a relapse...you know what I mean...but I didn't, thank God. My true friends hae really been there for me through all of this, and I don't know what I'd do without them...thanks you guys! I luv ya:) 

And thanks to all my readers for supporting me, and this story. It means a lot:) I luv you guys too:)

I hope to have the next chapter up soon:) -Love, Ally-


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